Step Sing Aftermath: The Values Violations

Samford University is quite possibly the most violently conservative Baptist school that one could ever find. And so the very existence of Step Sing is somewhat of a surprise. The costumes are generally too revealing, the dance moves too suggestive and songs too vulgar for the trustees’ tastes. But the whole spectacle has superseded even their Mussolini-esque iron grip to become a creature larger than anyone’s ability to reign in.

No longer, you're on notice Step Sing, you will no longer be allowed to advocate actions and attitudes contrary to the values code.

You're on notice Alpha Delta Pi.

Your inclusion of the Steve Miller Band song "Take the Money and Run" is completely unacceptable.

This story of the so called "Billy Joe and Bobby Sue" runs directly contrary to the values that you as students signed on to uphold and honor.

These, "young lovers" engage in premarital relations, the smoking of marijuana, armed robbery, assault and evasion of the law that God placed on Earth to rule us. Unacceptable AD Pi, unacceptable. Not only do you sully the honor of the glorious Wright center with the story of these two heathens, but you even go so far as to spell out RUN in your choreography. We as a values committee can only assume that this was some kind of warning for Billy Joe and Bobby Sue. How you knew that our illustrious campus safety was closing in on these bandits is unknown at this point, but we can only assume that you were providing aid and bedding to these lawless criminals. Expect an email on the formal values charges in the next week.

University Ministries, you're on notice.

Yes, you had quite a laugh on our behalf, haha, but we'll see who gets the last laugh. Your show reveled in the 1970's LSD culture that so blighted these God-given lands of ours. Beatles songs! Jefferson Airplane! You sicken us! After looking at Wikipedia, we have discovered that the lovely, innocent children's story by Lewis Carroll has been embraced by these crazed acid fiends.

It is our general opinion that you have embraced this horrendously sinful take on the innocent tail.Your color palate for the shows is our main evidence, far too creative! Far too creative indeed! Are you all dropping acid blotters during Shiloh? Well, the evidence to support this isn't there, but beware, an investigation has been opened. For your own good, please inform us who among our close-knit community is sullying our great ministries with the devil's own chemical.

Pi Kappa Phi, you're on notice.

You think that you're really clever don't you Pi Kapp! But you're not! You're not! The great, God-fearing John Glenn would have been sickened by your song choices! Rocket Man?!?!?! Rocket Man?!?!?! We weren't born yesterday! We know who sang that song! The sinful, sodomite Elton John!

There are no gay people in Iran, and we as a campus can only hope to live up to this great nation's example and eradicate all such sin from within our campus walls. Your tacit support of this sinful lifestyle will not be tolerated.