Oh, so you thought I was done huh? Not even, we here at the values office share one character trait with Micheal Jackson in that we don't stop 'till we get enough. I am terribly sorry that I wasn't able to indict all of you at once, but as I reached my apogee in the last piece, I realized that I was going to be late to my John Birch society ice cream social, and so I had to stop.
Phi Mu you're on notice.
Yes, I'm sure that you all had a great time this weekend, surprising us all with your coup de grace 3rd place finish at the step sing sweeps. Congratulations, you sisters of sin!
Oh, yes, I'm sure you thought that you were terribly cute basing your step sing show in Las Vegas, but let us not forget that this is the city of sin!
Coming out in revealing clothing was quite a shocking thing for me, and nearly blinded me to the content of your show, but I am stronger than that, oh yes. And I saw! Oh how I saw your embrace of the modern day Babylon that we have allowed to fester like gangrene in our American Sahara.
If you had read our holy writ, the Samford Student Handbook, as your sterling orientation leaders suggested, you would have known, that, under the value of Self Discipline, that gambling is a high priority to our office.
We define gambling as "To play or game for money or other valuable stakes with
the hope of gaining something significant beyond the amount an
individual pays."
In your show, various sisters from your Sorority kneeled on the ground, using their bodies to represent slot machines! Oh what horrors we were forced to look upon as your leading cast members went up and down the line of kneeling forms, pulling the slot levers with the strength of demons one and all!
Unacceptable, unacceptable!
Lambda Chi Alpha, you're on notice!
Piracy is thievery, no questions asked, no questions answered! Think to your friends who have lost macbooks and iPhones to the thieving sinners whom have violated the serenity of our campus! How can you glorify acts of such thievery! And don't you forget, no, don't forget, that the pirates in our American history harassed the shorelines of our holy puritan forebears onthe Northeastern seaboard of this great land. These pirates were a blight to their city upon a hill, and you glorified their lifestyles.
But, we all agreed here in this office, that your Veggie Tales song was marvelous, so we're going to let you off with a stern reprimand.
Chi Omega, you're on notice!
Vigilantism! We're all disappointing in you to a startling degree. God has seen fit to bless our society with glorious, unblemished law enforcement who live and breath to enable us to live our lifestyles of insularity and holiness without fear of the sinful lower classes that threaten our American lives.
Batman as a symbol speaks to an anarchist viewpoint on society that we cannot allow you to glorify! Batman and his rich, playboy existence invalidates the very glorified professions in law enforcement that we here at Samford wholeheartedly support.
Why do you need a vigilante? I am confused why you would even see such an ideal as necessary? Have you not heard of our vaunted campus safety? Did you not hear the epic and bravehearted tale of how they risked life and limb last semester to protect you from insidious thieves out to take away your Calculus textbooks!?!?!?!
Of course you heard, the tale was shouted from the rooftops just as the British communities would ring their church bells after each and every victory against the rapist and pillagers of Napoleon's hoi polloi hordes!
The threat was dealt with in the appropriate fashion, and not one batarang was ever thrown!
And also, Batman believes that guns are evil! What blasphemy! Does he not know that the greatest sentence ever put down in the history of the English language is the second amendment! Heresy! Heresy! Were Batman a true American, and not an atheistic communist, he would certainly carry at least a civilian model assault rifle, just like our founding fathers did.
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