Climbing Masculinity: Snow Day Goofin'

I am an idiot.

Late night last night, well, not late by Samford standards, but late by Eslinger Farms Inc. standards for sure. I am tired, what can I say, you can get used to having eight hours of sleep. Go in, talk to dad, he’s doing something on Google Earth. I’m always secretly impressed by how much he’s embraced technology. My dad’s a cool guy; don’t tell him I said so.

But yeah, I’m an idiot, because, back before that nice talk with my dad, I locked my keys in my new truck.

Idiot.

This morning I realize my idiocy.

Dad’s got a spare key.

It’s 30 miles away.

He’s sending someone with the key.

Oh yeah, it’s snowing, in March, in Tennessee. That’s odd. (Polemic: Just because it has been a cold winter, Global Warming has not been disproven…but, smarter persons than I have pointed out the stupidity of such a statement. Polemic-Over)

Call from dad, deliveryman is stuck a mile away, go get meet him for keys on the four wheeler.

One mile.

Start: the embankment I totaled my Tahoe on, gravel straightaway, sharp turn, two hills, straight. Halfway there: now on county road, pavement, last hill is a monster, 60 degree angled and mad, ice and snow covered. Finish.

One mile.

Only one thing to do…

LAST WINTER GEAR TEST:

This would be my final (I hope) test of my cold weather gear. Since it would consist of little cardiovascular movement for warmth and constant wind, it’s definitely a more extreme test of the capabilities.

Get on the four-wheeler, ride.

Let’s start with my feet and move up. My boots are Gore-Tex, material of the gods. I’m pretty sure that Achilles’ second set of armor had a Gore-Tex shell thrown in. Anyway, the outsoles of the boot are sealed tight. The tongue is pretty tight and keeps most water out, but… sometimes it leaks in. I have the solution. Gore-Tex socks! (Sensing a pattern?)

Lt. Dan tells Forrest to take care of his feet, good advice. Socks are the key here. Underneath all of this Gore-Tex I’ve got on Merino Wool socks. Itch-free, warm, wicking, these socks do it all. My toes didn’t get cold, but you chop off a few more degrees and I may want to upgrade to a thicker model of the sock.

Legs: My base- layer is a synthetic miracle. It’s comfy like cotton, but lacks the propensity to kill you with hypothermia. I roll these over the wool socks and overlap them both with the Gore-Tex sock. Next, a sturdy mountain khaki. The least important layer really, and I found it to inhibit movement.

Then the Shell, another synthetic miracle. A pair of pants that kept me as dry as a scuba dry-suit.

Mostly a repeat with the core. Same base-layer, fleece vest, another waterproof shell.

The performance of the top and bottom portions of my kit performed identically. I was warm, and I was dry. Despite a heavy, spitting snow, I found no compromises in the water-tightness of my load out. I didn’t swim, and so I’m not 100% sure, but I do feel good about it. And it was cold today, man it was cold, and I wasn’t completely bundled up. With just a few modifications, I think that I’m good for a severe drop in temperature.

Perspiration is another matter. I was sitting on a four-wheeler the entire time, and so I didn’t sweat. This leaves a gaping hole in the test. Almost all of the layers I’m wearing are designed with wicking properties. But each to a different degree, there’s no perfect suit, you’re going to sweat. But I wish I had a good gauge as to how quick that sweat will evaporate in different conditions. This will be something I’m looking at more in the future.

Hands are toasty in thick mountaineering gloves. And dry, really dry. Some chemical hand-warmers would be nice, but again, not a necessity.